1 Year Anniversary

My grandmother died on December 13^th, 2009 and I can’t believe it’s already been a year since she passed away. Losing her was such a hard time for me. She was my guidance, my “mother”, she was the person I went to whenever I was scared or had anything going on. I really didn’t think I could survive without her. Life seemed pointless without her. I’m so glad that in the past year, I have grown so much and learned to deal with her absence. I have learned to open up to those around me and accept help from those who care about me. Sometimes, I worry that people are going to give up on me and that I will end up all alone but when I sit down and think about it, I know that I’m just afraid to lose anyone again. Losing someone that means so much to you is very hard.

I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with her death and so I think I haven’t had time to heal. I hope that in time, I can feel “normal” again. (Whatever that is lol) I’m sure grandma would be very proud of me if she saw me today and she would recognize the good in what I’ve done instead of just seeing the bad, like I tend to do.

Wherever she is, I hope she’s happy and I hope she can see me. I really hope she’s with me.

Love you grandma!

Memories of Grandma

It’s been seven months since I lost my grandmother to Cancer, and sometimes it feels as if she never existed, which is really upsetting but it’s much better than dealing with the pain of losing the most important person in my life. Right now, I feel like bawling my eyes out but I just can’t because I am too motivated and focused on the future. I know she wouldn’t want me to think about the fact that she’s gone, she would want me to think of the happy days and think about my future and the rest of my life with Chris. I wish she could see our apartment, the promise ring Chris gave me and everything. She would be so proud if she saw how well I’m doing with my online work. She would be so excited to hear about our new apartment and our new cards. She would love that my dad and I still hang out and that the kids still come over. Things have changed a lot since she left, but I try to keep things as normal as I can. I hope she knows I took over her phone number because I know it meant a lot to her. I am keeping in contact with everyone for her and I will never forget about her. I hope she knows I’m happy.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of the books that I’ve had for a while and never had the time to read them. I am currently reading my Alice Sebold books and my grandma always wrote in the books she gave me. It’s so sad seeing her handwriting and knowing she once held this book in her hands. Sometimes I wish I could see her again, have a conversation with her, and smell the scent of her perfume. She was the sweetest, cutest grandmother and I hope she knows I love her with all my heart. She’s so beautiful and she forever changed my life.

I love you so much grandma! I promise I will never give up. I love you so much!!!

Grandma's Birthday

Today marks the exact day that my grandmother passed away, just two months ago. It's so weird waking up and not having her here, not being able to see her, speak to her. Today would have been her 85th birthday. I took some time and wrote a little note for her on my website. I really feel so blessed to have met such a wonderful woman! She was so kind and so giving. She put everyone else above her. I miss her terribly and can't wait to see her again one day. Have any of you lost someone you loved? What did you do to make it easier to deal with? I’m hoping one day I can wake up and it won’t feel like such a dream. Lately, I’ve been dreaming a lot about her and it’s been very comforting because I get to see her and hear her voice again. I feel so lucky to have so many videos of her that I can look at when I miss her. I’m still in shock in a way. I mean, she was just here, she’s always been here, and now she’s just.. gone. I wish I could explain in words how much she meant to me but I’m not sure it’s possible. She was my mom, one of my best friends, the main person in my life. I went to her for anything and everything. She was my support in every sense of the word. She listened to me, loved me and showed me how to be a good person. She was a person to look up to, and a person to trust. I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet anyone in my lifetime like her again and I hope that all of you reading this can experience, even if just for a moment, someone like her. When you do, you’ll never forget, because it will be a very special moment indeed.


<3 RIP Grandma. I LOVE YOU <3

I will never forget you!!